It's not you, it's me

If I asked you about women you’d probably give me a syllabus of your personal favorites.  You may have even been laid a few times.  But you can’t tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman and feel truly happy.   And if I asked you about love you probably quote me a sonnet.  But you’ve never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable.  Known someone who could level you with her eyes.  Feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you, who could rescue you from the depths of hell.  And you wouldn’t know what it’s like to be her angel and to have that love for her to be there forever.  Through anything.  You don’t know about real loss, because that only occurs when you love something more than you love yourself.  I doubt you’ve ever dared to love anybody that much.  (edited version of Robin Williams' monologue in Good Will Hunting)

When the light's out And all of the fracturing starts You're just paying For some action you lost in the dark You come down, holding tight To the railing on the side You stayed up, left to dry Now you're crumbling Now your guard's down And all of your timing has gone You were patient Till earth swallowed the last of the sun You come down, holding tight To the railing on the side You stayed up, left to dry Now you're crumbling It's not complex See all of the signs flashing on You're just paying For all of the bad you have done (Lyrics from Fracture by Bombay Bicycle Club)

We are creatures of habit because they die hard. Yes, clichés. I assume it is called that since calling it overly spoken facts is a bit cumbersome when trying to explain these simple truths, our truths really. This past year has pushed my boundaries of comfort way beyond anywhere I could have imagined and I have been avidly throwing clichés around to try and soften the blows, to find some form of solace in the painful darkness that rolled over me like a vicious unforgiving wave, like a tsunami ripping everything from its roots and dragging it away. It worked. Most of the time at least. Other times I wanted to rip the words from my own mouth and shove it down others whilst screaming at the top of my lungs. I still do. But I didn’t, I can’t, nor shall I. Though amongst all this solitude and anguish something appeared. It was not presented with a halo or engulfed with light. It was like a dove with a broken wing. Approach was heeded with caution yet the dove did not try to franti

If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you.  When mountains crumble to the sea, there will still be you and me.  Kind woman, I give you my all, Kind woman, nothing more.  Little drops of rain whisper of the pain, tears of loves lost in the days gone by.  My love is strong, with you there is no wrong,  together we shall go until we die. My, my, my.  An inspiration is what you are to me, inspiration, look... see.  And so today, my world it smiles, your hand in mine, we walk the miles,  Thanks to you it will be done, for you to me are the only one.  Happiness, no more be sad, happiness....I'm glad.  If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you.  When mountains crumble to the sea, there will still be you and me. (Lyrics from Thank You by Led Zeppelin )

Love isn't complicated. People are. Relationships are.  Love isn't hard work. People are. Relationships are. Love doesn't take time. Why should it? I'm turning 35 this year and when I was 16 that seemed like an eternity away which will give me all the time to learn life's mysteries. But all these years later I've barely scratched the surface.  But. A few years ago the journey changed direction . I ignored it. A few months ago the journey jumped on a roller coaster. I took notice. So now I'm just sitting writing another piece of me. And I am writing this piece for you. x

It's the 366th day of the 2016th year of our Gregorian Calendar. And what a year it has been. I am glad to see end of it. The New Year, the very first day of January, gives chance for renewed hope and expectations of what the next few months may bring to our short existences. I find myself slightly melancholic because for all the bad and pain it brought, the start of 2016 also took me on a journey of self-exploration. I did things which I never thought were in me to do. I enjoyed it and even loved it at times. So I will try and take that with me into the 2017th year of our Gregorian Calendar. I will try to ride that wave of personal triumphs and make them part of my future however long that may be and wherever that may take me this year. The past only has memories now.