I have arrived
It is easy to overuse the expression "This has been the worst year ever" because let us face it, every year has the potential to be the worst year for a number of reasons. In my case however this is a fact... 2016 is officially the toughest year I have ever faced.
On the 3rd day of this year I had what I can only describe as a breakdown. I had been battling my alcohol addiction for many years and certain events on this day triggered a number of emotions and set me off on to a path which I was ill prepared for, to say the least. The booze coupled with stress. anxiety and just a general negative outlook on life did not do me any favours over the last 3 or 4 years. I have been living in England now for 10 years and one of the reasons I moved here was to get away from all the temptations. All the opportunities to consume copious amounts of alcohol and sometimes the same amounts of narcotics. Shock horror yes drugs. The problem is that when I arrived on these Anglian shores I ended up creating new opportunities and finding new temptations. My dark passenger traveled with me, sitting next to me in economy class and holding my hand.
I am not your poster boy alcoholic. I don't hide bottles around the house, in the garage or at work in my locker. I do not sneak off at lunch to go hit the nearest pub. I do however like to have a drink and if you cannot remember the last time you have gone for more than 2 days without having anything then maybe it's a sign. If you go out with friends and end up drinking so much that you black out on almost every occasion then maybe it's a sign. If you can't walk past the shop on the way home without making a u-turn through the doors to buy "just a couple" of beers so you can relax that evening, then maybe it's a sign.
Addiction comes in many forms and mine arrived in genetics. Both my grandfathers were alcoholics and as much as I would like to ignore it my dad is one too. My brother struggled with it and if I look at the rest of my family, extended and close, then there is certainly a pattern. Don't get me wrong, having a drink socially is completely acceptable and I am most definitely not one of those reformed crusaders trying to preach to the choir.
But on the 3rd day of this year I finally had to face my dark passenger. The one that has been following me ever since I was 14. It has accompanied me all throughout my adult life and lead me to places I never want to go back to. Made me do things that I would never do sober. Made me say things that makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up when I think about it every single day.
Four months I went, not a drop. There were times where I nearly stumbled, times when I felt like giving in. But I did not. I fought it with every ounce of the little willpower I had left. And I was fine, I found a new level of respect for myself realising that I can do something if I want to do it. It was not easy, not by a long shot but like any addiction you have to face it head on and say to yourself "I will beat this. I can do this. I want to do this. This will not control my life."
Before I go further it wasn't all doom and gloom this year, not by a long shot...
Almost eleven months after that 3rd day of this year and I will admit I have had the odd drink here and there. Mostly one or two drinks at a time but that is it, nothing else and no desire to have more as was the case before. I have booze in the house now and I don't even make as much as eye contact. It's there I know it, I just don't care. And that to me is progress. I'm not sure where my next stop is but all I know is I have finally arrived...
On the 3rd day of this year I had what I can only describe as a breakdown. I had been battling my alcohol addiction for many years and certain events on this day triggered a number of emotions and set me off on to a path which I was ill prepared for, to say the least. The booze coupled with stress. anxiety and just a general negative outlook on life did not do me any favours over the last 3 or 4 years. I have been living in England now for 10 years and one of the reasons I moved here was to get away from all the temptations. All the opportunities to consume copious amounts of alcohol and sometimes the same amounts of narcotics. Shock horror yes drugs. The problem is that when I arrived on these Anglian shores I ended up creating new opportunities and finding new temptations. My dark passenger traveled with me, sitting next to me in economy class and holding my hand.
I am not your poster boy alcoholic. I don't hide bottles around the house, in the garage or at work in my locker. I do not sneak off at lunch to go hit the nearest pub. I do however like to have a drink and if you cannot remember the last time you have gone for more than 2 days without having anything then maybe it's a sign. If you go out with friends and end up drinking so much that you black out on almost every occasion then maybe it's a sign. If you can't walk past the shop on the way home without making a u-turn through the doors to buy "just a couple" of beers so you can relax that evening, then maybe it's a sign.
Addiction comes in many forms and mine arrived in genetics. Both my grandfathers were alcoholics and as much as I would like to ignore it my dad is one too. My brother struggled with it and if I look at the rest of my family, extended and close, then there is certainly a pattern. Don't get me wrong, having a drink socially is completely acceptable and I am most definitely not one of those reformed crusaders trying to preach to the choir.
But on the 3rd day of this year I finally had to face my dark passenger. The one that has been following me ever since I was 14. It has accompanied me all throughout my adult life and lead me to places I never want to go back to. Made me do things that I would never do sober. Made me say things that makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up when I think about it every single day.
Four months I went, not a drop. There were times where I nearly stumbled, times when I felt like giving in. But I did not. I fought it with every ounce of the little willpower I had left. And I was fine, I found a new level of respect for myself realising that I can do something if I want to do it. It was not easy, not by a long shot but like any addiction you have to face it head on and say to yourself "I will beat this. I can do this. I want to do this. This will not control my life."
Before I go further it wasn't all doom and gloom this year, not by a long shot...
From all the sadness, anger and feelings of being lost I got to the end of the tunnel by rekindling relationships that were in much need of rekindling. I connected with my parents again on a more personal level... I bonded with my brother and remembered how we used to be best friends... I started talking more with my two cousins who I miss dearly and are two of the most important people in my life, they are more like my sisters and I would literally go to the ends of the world for them... I found new friendships and rediscovered old ones, amazing people that have always been there or thereabouts who always bring happiness... but most important of all I released the poisonous relationships, I cut them off, they will no longer receive a single ounce of my time or energy anymore.
Almost eleven months after that 3rd day of this year and I will admit I have had the odd drink here and there. Mostly one or two drinks at a time but that is it, nothing else and no desire to have more as was the case before. I have booze in the house now and I don't even make as much as eye contact. It's there I know it, I just don't care. And that to me is progress. I'm not sure where my next stop is but all I know is I have finally arrived...
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