It's not you, it's me

If you asked me 5 years ago where I would be in 5 years time I would have said I have no idea. What I would have said, though, is that I will not be where I am today. We plan. We do. We Want. We get. We think. We know. We will. We won't.  I am looking at things differently now. Very differently.  I suppose it is between all the cliches and bullshit that you truly find yourself and a lot of times I wonder what that even means. Some go through life with rose tinted glasses. Others do it with morbid negativity. Sometimes you find yourself in the middle. All I know is, maybe I want something I can never have. Or maybe I only think that... Who knows. I don't.

If I asked you about women you’d probably give me a syllabus of your personal favorites.  You may have even been laid a few times.  But you can’t tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman and feel truly happy.   And if I asked you about love you probably quote me a sonnet.  But you’ve never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable.  Known someone who could level you with her eyes.  Feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you, who could rescue you from the depths of hell.  And you wouldn’t know what it’s like to be her angel and to have that love for her to be there forever.  Through anything.  You don’t know about real loss, because that only occurs when you love something more than you love yourself.  I doubt you’ve ever dared to love anybody that much.  (edited version of Robin Williams' monologue in Good Will Hunting)

When the light's out And all of the fracturing starts You're just paying For some action you lost in the dark You come down, holding tight To the railing on the side You stayed up, left to dry Now you're crumbling Now your guard's down And all of your timing has gone You were patient Till earth swallowed the last of the sun You come down, holding tight To the railing on the side You stayed up, left to dry Now you're crumbling It's not complex See all of the signs flashing on You're just paying For all of the bad you have done (Lyrics from Fracture by Bombay Bicycle Club)

We are creatures of habit because they die hard. Yes, clichés. I assume it is called that since calling it overly spoken facts is a bit cumbersome when trying to explain these simple truths, our truths really. This past year has pushed my boundaries of comfort way beyond anywhere I could have imagined and I have been avidly throwing clichés around to try and soften the blows, to find some form of solace in the painful darkness that rolled over me like a vicious unforgiving wave, like a tsunami ripping everything from its roots and dragging it away. It worked. Most of the time at least. Other times I wanted to rip the words from my own mouth and shove it down others whilst screaming at the top of my lungs. I still do. But I didn’t, I can’t, nor shall I. Though amongst all this solitude and anguish something appeared. It was not presented with a halo or engulfed with light. It was like a dove with a broken wing. Approach was heeded with caution yet the dove did not try to franti...

If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you.  When mountains crumble to the sea, there will still be you and me.  Kind woman, I give you my all, Kind woman, nothing more.  Little drops of rain whisper of the pain, tears of loves lost in the days gone by.  My love is strong, with you there is no wrong,  together we shall go until we die. My, my, my.  An inspiration is what you are to me, inspiration, look... see.  And so today, my world it smiles, your hand in mine, we walk the miles,  Thanks to you it will be done, for you to me are the only one.  Happiness, no more be sad, happiness....I'm glad.  If the sun refused to shine, I would still be loving you.  When mountains crumble to the sea, there will still be you and me. (Lyrics from Thank You by Led Zeppelin )

Love isn't complicated. People are. Relationships are.  Love isn't hard work. People are. Relationships are. Love doesn't take time. Why should it? I'm turning 35 this year and when I was 16 that seemed like an eternity away which will give me all the time to learn life's mysteries. But all these years later I've barely scratched the surface.  But. A few years ago the journey changed direction . I ignored it. A few months ago the journey jumped on a roller coaster. I took notice. So now I'm just sitting writing another piece of me. And I am writing this piece for you. x

It's the 366th day of the 2016th year of our Gregorian Calendar. And what a year it has been. I am glad to see end of it. The New Year, the very first day of January, gives chance for renewed hope and expectations of what the next few months may bring to our short existences. I find myself slightly melancholic because for all the bad and pain it brought, the start of 2016 also took me on a journey of self-exploration. I did things which I never thought were in me to do. I enjoyed it and even loved it at times. So I will try and take that with me into the 2017th year of our Gregorian Calendar. I will try to ride that wave of personal triumphs and make them part of my future however long that may be and wherever that may take me this year. The past only has memories now.

My dark passenger is back in some shape or another. I've been weak and lazy the last few days and it's costing me again. Anxiety is one thing. Anxiety with a very active thought process is another. And because I don't have anything really significant or tangible to keep me distracted it just gets worse. I hate this feeling, I've had it far too much the last few months. It's not fair, but what is. And just when I thought things were getting better, that I was ok accepting everything, that whatever happens is outside of my control it slowly grinds me down and rips me back into the black. It makes me think things I shouldn't, makes me want to inflict hurt which isn't who I am, it makes me angry and I don't want to be angry... It's strange telling those around you to only accept love and look for the happiness around them when all you want to do is take that anger and justify inflicting damage on those that have wronged you... I can't let it win ...

I've been trying to write something for the past few days but nothing. I come up with a few sentences and then hit a mental block. It's like I want to say it but don't have the words to express what it is... the thing running around this aging head of mine.  I think I'll eventually get there like I did with everything else this year, like everything else in my 30-something years trying to find my place on this big blue speck.  For now though, this is another post.

I know my life is going to look very different in 2017. I know that already, I don’t have to wait for it. There are choices and decisions that will be made, some even now as I’m typing this and over the next few days and weeks which are not mine to make. There are things beyond my control and I will have to accept them, and I have. All I know is I won’t be angry, I won’t be angry anymore. If 2016 taught me anything is that the change starts with myself and that whatever happened in that past has been and gone. There is nothing I can do about it, not a single a thing. All I can do is forgive myself and work on making things better for those that matter. I’m no angel, not by a long shot even, and I know there are some of you that have judged me and I’m OK with that, I won’t hold that against you because it’s only human. What I won’t do is let my mistakes and flaws define me. I've made many mistakes, but I've learned it's not who I am. I don’t want to be that angry person a...

I've been closing quite a few doors the last year or two. Ones that very much needed closing which didn't make it very hard but then there are the others which are not that easy. For a long time now I have been a hypocrite. I have judged others for their actions whilst justifying my own with all kinds of reasoning. Making up stories is easier than it is to face the truth, right? We don't like hard do we, we want everything to be easy and if it's not then it's easier to give up. See, easy again. But why do we do that? Is it self preservation? Is it pride? Or is it something as simple as not wanting to be the bad guy? Because no one likes the bad guy, right? We need bad guys to feel better about ourselves and say things like "I would never do a thing like that..." or "I would never do that to someone that I care about...". Pause.

This morning I was thinking about how lucky we are living in a free tolerant society here in the UK. Yes it has its faults and societal issues, which place doesn't, but if the worst thing you have to worry about is the traffic in the mornings or how slow the service is at the local pub or how your local shop doesn't have your favorite yogurt anymore then I would say that's not bad bloody trade off for what other people are facing in the world. People just kin d of get on around here. Just because people voted to leave the EU doesn't it make them racists or delusionals or whatever rhetoric has been thrown around. Yes you have the idiots going around spewing hatred and xenophobia but, again, which place doesn't have it. It's up to us to rise above it and show that it's not OK, it's not acceptable and it never will be. In the words of Jim Jefferies... "Love will always beat hate. And if you show love to someone that hates you then that person mig...

It is easy to overuse the expression "This has been the worst year ever" because let us face it, every year has the potential to be the worst year for a number of reasons. In my case however this is a fact... 2016 is officially the toughest year I have ever faced.  On the 3rd day of this year I had what I can only describe as a breakdown. I had been battling my alcohol addiction for many years and certain events on this day triggered a number of emotions and set me off on to a path which I was ill prepared for, to say the least. The booze coupled with stress. anxiety and just a general negative outlook on life did not do me any favours over the last 3 or 4 years. I have been living in England now for 10 years and one of the reasons I moved here was to get away from all the temptations. All the opportunities to consume copious amounts of alcohol and sometimes the same amounts of narcotics. Shock horror yes drugs. The problem is that when I arrived on these Anglian shores I e...

You came to me barely a decade ago, I thought I had so much of you, So many plans, So many dreams. Living in a different place, Ready to conquer the world, Alas it was not to be, You took me on many different paths. You saw the best of me, You saw the very worst of me, You saw me cry, You saw me dance, A lot... I had some help, I had a lot of support, Some good advice, Plenty not so good advice. You gave me great friends, You gave me disappointment too, I learned from it, Sometimes I never do. As we part our ways today, I will remember the good memories, I will use the wisdom you impressed upon me, And I'll shake my ass, drink a tequila and shout:  "What the fuck just happened?!" Adieu A

Lyrics from a song I can't get out of my head at the moment, check it out and the vid and you'll understand A x AWOLNATION - Sail  >  http://youtu.be/PPtSKimbjOU This is how I show my love I made it in my mind because Blame it on my A.D.D. baby This is how an angel dies Blame it on my own sick pride Blame it on my  A.D.D. baby Maybe I should cry for help  Maybe I should kill myself Myself Blame it on my A.D.D. baby  Maybe I'm a different breed Maybe I'm not listening So blame it on my A.D.D. baby .

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is a...

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Ok, so I haven't blogged or tweeted in a while and I think the abstinence has done me good. Sometime you just have to step back and take a deep breathe otherwise you'll just consume yourself.  I tend to think we consume ourselves in all this technologically superficial social bullshit that we lose perspective on what is real and what it is normal and what matters. Before I babble on longer than I need to I will wave adieu, love you all long time ;) T x

It's weird, yesterday it struck me that it's about 9 years ago that I got a text in the middle of the night from a very good friend of mine. I can't recall exactly when I read it but I know it was a Sunday the next day. And the text basically read like this: "Just to let you know Johan shot himself last night. He's in ICU but not looking good". Now, this was a guy that was in the same class as me right through high school so we knew each other but moved in different friend circles and I think I might have seen him once or twice after walking out the doors of our school. The reason my friend let me know is because we are good friends and she was close to him, so in a way I think it was just a case of looking for the little bit of human contact and support. Ok, so you're probably wondering where I'm going with this and why would I bring up something as delicate as this. The thing is, there was another guy in my group who also shot himself in that sam...

Blogging. It's been about 4 years since I've tried and even back then it was just a vain effort. But here we go, 2011 and I find my inspiration has been reignited due to the many interesting and, dare I say, weird people I've been fortunate enough to stumble across and "follow" on Twitter. (note here: I should mention this from the start, although I pride myself on spelling, you will probably soon realize my grammar sucks, so if things don't make sense, don't worry it probably shouldn't, just keep reading) Anyway, for a very long time things have been buzzing around in this highly ambitious, very lazy and somewhat slightly deluded brain, so maybe it's time to throw the dice and who knows, this might just get interesting. Makes no sense? Well, what did you expect, I'm a Virgo. And I'm not going to lie to you, or maybe I just did... Laters